Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Letter to David Treddinick, MP for Bosworth: In support of homeopathy

Dear Mr Tredinnick,

Holy Jesus Effing Christ on high, why do people have to keep on having a go at homeopathy? 

I have been a long standing supporter of homeopathy and alternative medicine for some time now; from astrology and acupuncture to  lesser known remedies such as Tactile Pipistrelle Therapy, Activated Yams and Colonic Coelacanth Flushing.  Like you, it beggars my beliefs why Brussels bureaucrats and the Liberal/Labour Aristocracy are so intent on cutting funding for these miracles of nature and stopping me from putting whatever  I like in my bathwater!

I am glad to hear that you are one seat in politics that is standing up against this outrage.  Now is the time for action!  Also, now is the time for anecdote:  Use of alternative therapy has a long history in my family.  I remember my old mother saying: "I've only gone to hospital once in my life, and they sent me home with this bloody baby!  Never again, that son of mine!"  I took that to heart and have never knowingly gone to a hospital, although I did once wake up in one after I made a serious misjudgement about the potential danger associated with a rutting male trout in the main breeding pool (I work in a fish farm as a trout clubber - the money is ok, but it is difficult to get the stench of fish death off your skin).  I know what you mean about the moon as well.  The only time I have ever been arrested was during a full moon, and what is more, it took the renewal of the lunar cycle for all the charges to be dropped due to ambiguous forensic evidence.  If it wasn't for that, I could have been put away for a LONG time!  Thanks, moon!

I want you to know that in the coming election campaign that I am behind you 100% (Not in the 'scary stalker hiding behind the horse-chestnut tree while you walk your dog in the morning' kind of way).  I agree with you.  We should put a stop to all surgical medicine and replace it with complementary therapies.  Just think of all the money we could save cutting all those lying doctors' salaries.  We know this will work because biblical medicine was entirely homeopathic.  Noah Ark and his wife, Joan, both lived to 302 and never went near a hospital!  Jesus, as well - He is still alive now, even after being crucified!  I'd like to see Michael Brooks try that!  He wouldn't last three days!

Can I help you in any small way?  Maybe I could feature on one of your campaign leaflets with my thumbs up(Possible byline: "Using homeopathy to treat childhood diarrhorea - what's the worst that could happen?" or "If you don't use Lahiri-based medicine, you are a racist")?

Anyway, best of luck with the campaigning, you can count my vote on May 6th.

Best wishes and distance healing,

Colin Cobalt, BSc (hons)


  1. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

  2. I was tremendously excited to get a swift response from Mr Treddinick. Also happy that it backs up my case still further: Use homeopathy and live to 950!

    Message follows:

    Dear Colin

    Thank you for your email and the unstinting support offered.

    Like me, you understand that millions of people gain considerable benefit via the use of complementary and alternative therapies, which save the NHS millions of pounds.

    As you are no doubt aware I do wholeheartedly support the NHS and conventional medicine while working to offer people a greater choice in healthcare.

    Once again, thank you for taking the time to email me with your views and giving such unqualified support.

    My very best wishes,

    David Tredinnick
    Conservative Candidate for Bosworth

    PS: Joan's Arc was spelt with a 'c' rather than a 'k' and according to Jewish tradition Noah's wife was called Naamah. Again, according to this tradition he lived until he was 950.

  3. Dear Colin,

    I see you have exactly the same views about replacing working remedies with glorified (and terribly expensive) water as myself! You're post is a testament to the works of Oscar Wilde!

    David Gould MA (hons)

  4. Terrific work!

    Love how Treddinick takes the trouble to set you straight on the Ark family and studiously ignores your kind offer of more visible support. :-)